My name is Mei and I am 59 years old. Looking back, my life has been full of ups and downs. When I was young, for various reasons, I embarked on this path of misadventure. Over the years, I have been wandering on the fringe of society, and I am used to the coldness and warmth of people’s feelings, and I have long since lost any illusions about love.
However, fate played a huge joke on me this year. I met him, a college professor. It was an ordinary night, I was waiting for customers in that dim corner as usual. He suddenly appeared in front of me, and at that moment, I was mesmerized by the aura that emanated from him. There was not the slightest hint of contempt or disdain in his eyes, only a deep melancholy and tenderness.
He talked to me without any inappropriate behavior. I was surprised at how different he was, and impressed by his erudition and wisdom. Since then, he often came to see me and gave me a lot of money every time, and he even gave me 100,000 yuan of pocket money a month. Gradually, I realized that I had developed a special feeling for him, a kind of love that I thought I would never have again in my life.
He treated me better and better, caring about my life and buying me beautiful clothes and jewelry. It was as if I was young again, my heart filled with joy and happiness. I began to envision our future, and although I knew that our relationship was not socially acceptable, I could not control my feelings.
However, this happiness didn’t last long. One day, I stumbled upon the fact that he had more than just me as a lover. At that moment, my world collapsed. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I couldn’t believe he would do this to me. I felt immense pain and despair and I didn’t know what to do.
I thought about leaving him and ending this wrong relationship. However, whenever I remembered how good he was to me and all the good times we had together, I couldn’t be cruel. I was in a deep conflict and didn’t know what to choose.
I began to secretly investigate his other lovers, wanting to know what kind of people they were. I found that some of them were young and beautiful, some of them were rich and talented, while I was just an old and colorful lost woman. I felt incredibly inferior and lost, thinking that I could not compare with them at all.
However, I was not willing to give up just like that. I decided to talk to him and ask him what he really thought. That day, I summoned up the courage to ask him to meet me. The moment I saw him, my heart was filled with complicated emotions. I loved him and hated him at the same time, and didn’t know how to face him.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I finally couldn’t help but ask.
He was silent for a moment, then slowly said, “Mei, I know I’m sorry. However, I also have my helplessness. My life isn’t as good as you think, and I have my own pain and pressure.”
He told me that he was not happily married and that he and his wife were no longer in a relationship. However, for various reasons, they could not get a divorce. He was looking for a lover outside just to find a comfort and a support.
When I listened to him, my heart was filled with sympathy and understanding. I knew he had his own difficulties, but I still couldn’t accept the fact that he had multiple lovers at the same time.
“Then do you love me or not?” I asked.
He looked into my eyes and said firmly, “Mei, I love you. You are one of the most important people in my life. But I can’t love only you. I need different people to fulfill my different needs.”
His words made me feel incredibly sad and desperate. I knew that there was no future for our love. However, I still couldn’t part with my feelings for him. I was in deep agony, not knowing what to choose.
In the following days, I spent every day in pain and contradiction. I wanted to leave him, but I couldn’t let go of him. I knew our relationship was immoral, but I couldn’t control my feelings. I felt that I was caught in a vortex from which there was no escape.
Just when I was in despair, something changed my mind. One day, I saw a report on TV about lost women. The report told of their miserable sufferings and the discrimination against them in society. I saw those women like me, who were struggling at the bottom of the society, without dignity and without a future.
At that moment, I suddenly realized that I could not go on like this. I can’t let my life be ruined like this. I have to take responsibility for my future, and I have to regain my dignity and value.
I decided to leave him and end this wrong relationship. I know it’s going to be painful, but I have to do it. I can’t put myself in this relationship with no future anymore.
When I told him about my decision, he looked surprised. He tried to hold me back, but my mind was made up. I told him that I couldn’t go on like this with him and that I had to work for my future.
After I left him, I began to reexamine my life. I knew that I couldn’t go back to my old life. I had to change myself and start afresh.
I enrolled in some skills training courses and learned some practical skills. I also took part in some volunteer activities to help women like me, who had once lost their way, to reclaim their lives. In the process, I gradually found my value and meaning.
Although sometimes I still think of him and those good times we had together, I know that it has become the past. I have to face the future bravely and take responsibility for my own life.
Today, I have regained my dignity and value. I am no longer that lost woman, but a person with dreams and pursuits. I know that the road ahead is still long, but I am full of confidence and courage. I believe that as long as I persist in my efforts, I will be able to create a bright future.